I wish I was the moon...

Last night I dreamt I had forgotten my name
 'Cause I had sold my soul but awoke just the same
 I'm so lonely
 I wish I was the moon tonight

God blessed me, I'm a free man
 With no place free to go
 I'm paralyzed and collared-tight
 No pills for what I fear

This is crazy
 I wish I was the moon tonight

I feel so heartbroken. It's like every night I dread when everyone falls asleep. Thoughtful friends and colleagues say things like, "How are you doing?" and  "Be strong."  I just want to yell at them. All of them... Do you not understand? My heart has been cleaved in half like a rock with some archaic pick-axe.  It cannot be mended. It just lays in my mfucking chest like two rocks that have been cracked in half by a hammer. When it gets quiet, when I lay in my bed, all I feel is pain. The thump.thump.thump of the damaged heart that rests in my body.  I want to ask: Do you know my husband is dead? Do you know what it feels like to have your soulmate torn from you? He's not on a trip. We're not in a fight.  He's just not coming back. Ever.

I thought he would be my partner in this life, the father of my child. We would carry on through all of life's hardships, good and bad, and we would celebrate all of the obstacles we'd overcome at the end.

It's not fair. It's not fair he lived 39 years. It's not fair we only had 14 years together, 8 as man and wife. It's not fair that she only had 2 and a half years with her daddy.  I regret so much, and remember not enough.  I know I will always be sad.  I don't think that my heart will mend. I don't think that I can ever find love again. I am not sure I want to.

This hurts. I hurt. It's not going away. I am so lonely, I could cry. I want him back. Every day.