So this week began the first of the birthday celebrations. I turn 38 in 10 days. My parents came over today to celebrate, since they will be out of town for my special day and the weekends that flank it (it's on a Tuesday this year). My daughter loves it, because clearly, when you're three, it doesn't really matter who's birthday it is. There's cake. There's candles. It's her party. Period.
So I have been reading this great blog about simplifying my life, clearing out clutter, initiating healthy-lifestyle habits, keeping things simple. I love it. In fact, I love reading it so much, I chose to do so while I put on an On Demand episode of Wow Wow Wubbzy while I eat a second piece of raspberry filled birthday cake and wash it down with a nice cabernet sauvignon. Hey... don't judge. It's MLK day tomorrow, and I think that when he was talking about the promised land, I am pretty sure that there was red wine there.
I love the "simple" life, and as soon as I cease to be a materialistic moron, I am sure I will love it even more. I have successfully cleared out two closets and the pantry. Then I bought $300 worth of shoes from Nordstrom and have about 15 glassybabies in my shopping cart, just hoping for a gift certificate for my birthday. I know, I am sure that this is not quite what zenhabits.com had in mind... but I really love glassybaby. And Nordstrom. And shoes.
I will say, I have begun the new year with a positive attitude, and am feeling not so miserable about my life. I am not saying I don't cry. I totally lost it the other night as I was getting ready for the upcoming season's Downton Abbey (I just love that Anna and her Mr. Bates!), but I would like to think that was more about great love that doesn't work out than my situation. Or it also could have been an entire bottle of my new fav, Three Blind Moose cabernet. Whatever. My new year is off to a better place, I guess. I have a great kid, a challenging career, and I have decided that I am going for my doctorate. I am not sure if this is a sign of complete lack of mental reasoning, but what the hell. I clearly am going to have to work until I am dead, so at least people will actually have to call me "Dr." in my eulogy.
So here I sit, thinking about my future, and wondering if I ever thought last year that it would be the last with my husband. Sometimes I think about why it all happened, and I question if what all those beautifully worded Hallmark cards had the right idea. Is there a plan? Will it make me stronger? Will he live forever in my heart? I don't even know. What I know is this: I miss him. I miss the dumb corny jokes that he thought were hilarious. I have to say that I held it together pretty well over the holidays, and only really lost it once... When I heard "The Little Drummer Boy". He used to always say, "Who the hell plays a drum for an infant? My mother would have said something like 'No, go play that in the other room. You're going to hurt the baby's ears. No, go ahead, he can still here you from there..." I just laughed and cried at the same time.
That seems to be the stuff I really miss. The ridiculous. Thinking about him and the stupid stuff he did or said just makes me remember why he was so awesome. I was lucky to have 14 years with him.
So as I embark on my 38th year in this life, I think about what I want, what I want for my kid, and what I need to do to be happy. I know I'll get there... and it won't include this raspberry filled cake.
I am going to go put on his "In case of zombie apocalypse, choose your weapon" t-shirt and have another glass of wine.
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